


Demons That Dwell

by realeyesrealize



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Study, Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pride, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 12:21:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15142988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realeyesrealize/pseuds/realeyesrealize
Summary: He put those feelings, along with the passing comments that were thrown his way during his teenage years in a closet, as a replacement for himself. But they happened and they left a mark.or: phil and pride: a character study.





	Demons That Dwell

Pride is acquired, not innate. Definitely not innate. It’s a feeling that takes its time to envelop you, to fill your insides until they’re bursting with something that you can’t quite put your finger on but that it’s just _there_. And you want to shout, and you want to scream, and you want to live and love because you _can_. But pride and shame are not mutually exclusive, and that’s something everyone learns at some point or another. For some, it’s ingrained in their brains since they were young, way too young, words like hell and sin being muttered around them with their every step. For others, shame creeps up on them, unwanted, undeserved, just a millisecond of agony and then it’s gone, replaced by the affirmation that they shouldn’t feel that, the knowledge that no one should feel that. 

Phil considers himself lucky, lucky that he’s somewhere in between, lucky that he found pride, that he fought his way through the feelings of inadequacy, of not being enough. Not manly enough, not athletic enough, not straight enough. He put those feelings, along with the passing comments that were thrown his way during his teenage years in a closet, as a replacement for himself.

But they happened and they left a mark. And they hurt, especially because they came from the people he loved the most. They were never outrageous, never explicit. He was left having to read between lines, trying to work out whether they meant what he thought they meant. At the time, he counted this as a blessing, because it wasn’t _that_ bad. He’d heard stories much worse. 

He has a name for all of that now, he knows his parents were heteronormative, and borderline homophobic, but those words seem way too harsh, way too accusing for what was a loving, normal household with normal values for the time. Sometimes, though not as often as years ago, he still tries to sort through that mess, he remembers certain conversations and tries to put a label on them. Then he mentally scolds himself because some things are too complex to be classified, to be all saved under a word. And then he laughs, because _parallels_. 

But the remnants are still there, hidden under more recent life experiences, under all the knowledge he has accumulated. Sometimes, he watches himself on their videos as he edits and he can’t seem to tear his eyes off of his hands as they flap around when he explains something. They flap too much, he concludes until he catches himself. 

The few videos he’s filmed standing up were also challenging, both to film and to edit. The way his body moves is delicate he’s been told, soft. He prefers those words to the way his father described him, “effeminate”, whatever that even means. Passing comments that compared him to what was considered a perfect standard that he could never achieve, would never achieve. 

He particularly remembers filming the Gamingmas ones from 2016 in the lounge, crouching to fit into the shot and using that as an excuse to keep his body stiff, his movements controlled and calculated. Filming standing up is always awkward for him, always used to just his torso being on camera, but these videos were even more challenging. He felt like all the eyes were on them, on the way they were behaving, on every single look and touch they exchanged. And he was okay with it. Their behaviour felt new, exciting and liberating within the parameters they’d previously established. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that if people were going to start looking more into everything, they’d find evidence in him, in his mannerisms, in the stereotype that was very much true in his case. 

But there’s the other side. There’s also that feeling that bubbles up inside him whenever he posts a picture of him and Dan, or whenever he crosses queer couples on the street, or whenever he hears stories, the good ones, from their friends. Pride, a sense of belonging, of embracing who he is and who he loves, the community they can call home. 

The one that surprised him the most was the angry pride, the one that takes over you and fills you with rage and frustration, and a need to be unapologetically queer even _louder_ , which couldn’t be more challenging for him, considering. He wishes he could apply this kind of pride to himself, to his bad days, but it’s a process, a very much needed process that takes time and patience. 

As opposed to the remnants of shame, the sense of pride is always a conscious one. He is proud, he couldn’t be prouder of who he has become, who he loves, and how he loves. It’s there, it’s always there. 

And that’s the thing with pride, once you find it, once it finds you, it never leaves. It clings to you and it makes you stronger than you would have ever hoped.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> This was something I started for the pride flash fic fest. I just sat down and started writing, but, at the time, I wasn't sure where to take the story or what it was that I wanted to focus on, so I just stopped (and took a nap). It has been looking at me in my WIP folder since then and I wanted to do it justice. 
> 
> Not going to lie, I'm quite scared to post this. It's about Phil, but it's also my take on him (with some fictionalised aspects) and I feel like there are a million things that could be said about the way I interpret him. (Or maybe that's just my brain being a dick, which is entirely possible.) 
> 
> Aaaaaanyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Feedback is very much appreciated. Again, thanks for reading! 
> 
> [Tumblr post](http://tulipau.tumblr.com/post/175484275613/title-demons-that-dwell-word-count-830-tags). You can also find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/cloudfIuffer).


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